Hey book besties,
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written this. I repeat it to myself in my head on a regular basis.
When the idea for Queen of Blood and Stardust came to me in November, it took me months to convince myself that writing a book is something I had the right to do.
Everyone has the right to write a book, I know that. But my mind had a hard time believing that I had the right too --- that I deserved a spot in this space as an author.
It took me a long time to remind myself that writing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.
So really this blog is for me. For the times when I am doubting myself. For the times when I start spiraling. Maybe this can help someone else too. I just know that I need to document my journey for myself. I need to justify this for myself.
I am a writer. Writing has always been an integral part of who I am.
The first memory I have of writing is in first grade.
My teacher set up a writing station where we could write and illustrate books. I couldn’t tell you how many books I made.
I have always been a reader. I am eternally grateful for my parents who never said no when I asked for a book (not that I remembered anyways).
My mom would buy me boxes of books off of Ebay. I never left the Scholastic Book Fair empty handed and there wasn’t a birthday or Christmas that passed without me receiving a book.
With reading came a natural love for writing. I’ve always been a journal girl, not consistently until I was older, but I always had journals and would go through spurts of actually writing in them.
In general, I’ve always been a creative person, it just took me a long time to realize that writing was a form of creativity too.
I was always creating plays and sketches and forcing my friends and family to perform them. (There are several embarrassing videos of me directing my siblings in a Christmas Play). I was also known for putting on dance performances (sorry to anyone I subjected this to).
My creativity leached into all aspects of my life.
Always has and always will.
When my parents got rid of their desktop computer it ended up in my bedroom. That’s when I truly started writing stories. I couldn’t tell you how many unfinished drafts of stories were on that desktop.
Writing was a way that I processed things. When something happened or I was going through something I either pulled out my journal or went to my computer and started writing. Most of the time I never looked back at what I wrote, but writing like that, like this, has always been cathartic for me. As much as I love writing fiction, this is probably my favorite form of writing-- just rambling on paper.
But my love for writing didn't stop there, even in school it was always the subject I loved the most, the one I excelled at. In college I was always the friend everyone went to for help with their papers. Anytime my dad needed help writing or editing anything for the Fire Department he came to me. I loved tests with writing prompts, I always felt like I could write my way through anything. My classmates would groan when assigned a paper, I preferred it.
It took me a lot of reflection to realize that my entire life I was told that writing was my strength. I was told that I was a good writer by just about everyone in my life.
So why did I struggle so much to see myself as a writer?
When it came time to go to college I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was being pushed by my family to go into the medical field (the family business is nursing) but I was never crazy about the idea.
I went in with my initial major as English while still considering medicine. It took me one month into my chem class to realize I never wanted to take another science class in my life and that medicine was not for me.
So I was back at square one. At the time I was taking a creative writing class and I was writing for an on campus magazine's blog. So I thought, is this it then, am I going to be a writer?
Long story short I found teaching and went down that road, which maybe is a story for a different time. But I do think back on that moment. What if I had decided to pursue writing then? I don’t regret becoming a teacher. I have met so many amazing people on this path and I wouldn't trade them for anything. And I love getting to have a part in shaping the future of our world.
But in all honesty, teaching isn’t a career I see myself in long term.
Teaching is hard and I know for my own mental wellbeing I won’t be able to do it forever.
So if I someday find myself being able to write full time I’d run towards the opportunity.
Anyways, my sophomore year of college I decided to start a blog as a productive way to take a study break. I started just writing about IndyCar and it slowly evolved into writing about all kinds of topics. I put out a blog every week for almost three years. Back then the dream was to be an IndyCar reporter during the summer (I still think that would be very cool BTW).
I think it says a lot when I think about how many times I was sitting in class writing a blog instead of focusing on my actual classes.
Enter grad school. The best and worst year of my life. I was student teaching full time (with no pay may I add), while taking a full course load, taking my licensure exams, working on my EdTPA, and applying for jobs. There was no time for anything else. I stopped journaling, I stopped blogging. Everything ceased while I was in grad school.
And then I started my first year of teaching. There was no time for writing.
And then COVID happened, I started reading more, and happened upon the book community.
When I started reading again people in my life started asking me when I was going to write a book. I told them I would when I got an idea. Writing a book had been on my bucket list forever.
Then last summer, I found a draft of a story I was working on in college. I cringed when I thought about reading it, but I pushed through. And I was pleasantly surprised by how not terrible it was.
I thought to myself, if this is what I can write without trying in college, what would happen if I tried now?
I actually started writing a contemporary romance not long after that. But I got stuck halfway through. I wanted to write a fantasy romance.
And then a few months later the idea for Queen of Blood and Stardust came to be and I haven’t stopped writing since.
Even with this solid idea that I loved and was excited about I still doubted myself.
For months I battled with myself in my head that I had no right to publish a book.
So I reminded myself of my story.
Of this story.
Writing a book isn't just this idea that I jumped on because I read a lot and wanted to try my hand at it (and there is nothing wrong with that being why you decided to write a book).
This is something that I’ve wanted my entire life. Writing has always been an integral part of who I am. I just have to remind myself of that.
So that’s me. That’s my story. If you made it this far, thank you. I can’t believe you just read all of my ramblings. I promise future journals will be better.
To anyone who is questioning their dreams.
Don’t.
Go for it.
You’ll never do it if you don’t at least try.
xxkaitlyn
